Mental Health Impact on My Life
Mental Health Impact..
The impact Lewis' condition has had on my mental health has been immeasurable.I have felt, and continue to feel so many different feelings and emotions; helplessness, devastation, numbness, emptyness, anger, sadness, blame, isolation, pain, always unhappy, depression, feeling useless – to name just a few!).
I literally wouldn’t wish what we have been through as a family on my worse enemy, it has and continues to be heartbreaking, horrendous and sole destroying.
The only way I can explain it is that it’s like having your heart ripped out every day. I constantly ask myself, why Lewis?, what did we do wrong?, why us!. Life just seems so unfair.
As a father it’s your job to make things better for your children and I haven’t been able to make Lewis better, and the feeling that I have failed him as I can’t make him better has lived with me everyday for the past 18 years. To have to sit and watch Lewis suffer on a daily basis and not be able to help, destroys me.
It’s like grieving for your son every single day but he is still here!.
My heart is completely broken. I feel drained, emotional, and mentally and physically exhausted. I have been on anti-depressants since 2007 to try and help me cope with the daily demands of having a severely disabled child.
Every day seems to be like ground hog day, and quite often it’s as much as I can do to get out of bed in the mornings.
Missed childhood milestones and memories, it truly has been a stolen childhood for our beautiful boy Lewis. I often feel jealous of other “normal families” who are able to just do “normal things” without a second thought. The amount of people that take their life and their children for granted really winds me up, plus those that moan about the smallest of things which are completely irrelevant in the overall scheme of things.
I have felt and continue to feel isolated (often stuck in the same 4 walls) and very lonely even though I am extremely fortunate to have so many friends.
I have and continue to go through some extremely dark times and have had some really horrible thoughts and feelings, as I feel that I should be punished as it’s my fault because I can’t make Lewis better.
I very rarely enjoy anything and when I do I feel guilty!, as why should I enjoy something when Lewis is suffering, I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy as Lewis is suffering so much.
I had to give up work in 2007 to be a full time carer for Lewis with my wife Lexi. I miss working massively, it gave me a purpose and an identity, but it is just not possible for me to work due to the situation and the cards we have been dealt.
I have felt and continue to feel isolated (often stuck in the same 4 walls) and very lonely even though I am extremely fortunate to have so many friends.
I have and continue to go through some extremely dark times and have had some really horrible thoughts and feelings, as I feel that I should be punished as it’s my fault because I can’t make Lewis better.
I very rarely enjoy anything and when I do I feel guilty!, as why should I enjoy something when Lewis is suffering, I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy as Lewis is suffering so much.
I had to give up work in 2007 to be a full time carer for Lewis with my wife Lexi. I miss working massively, it gave me a purpose and an identity, but it is just not possible for me to work due to the situation and the cards we have been dealt.
I feel like I spend my whole time being Lewis secretary and PA!. We have had 18 years worth of regular hospital visits, meetings where our son is being discussed when they don’t even no him or us. It just feels like he is just another number in the system, which really hurts, there is absolutely no compassion shown at all. He’s not just another number, he’s a human being, and our wonderful son.
Another aspect which I have found and continue to find extremely difficult and upsetting is seeing my wife Lexi hurting so much, and not being able to stop the pain and suffering which she goes through on a daily basis. She is the best mum in the world and Lewis is so lucky to have her, but I know the situation with Lewis hurts her badly and I wish so much that I could take away all the pain she feels.
They say there is a God, but how can there be?. If there was why would he inflict so much pain and suffering on one human being?, and destroy a whole families dreams and aspirations?, I just don’t understand!. If there is a God then surely he would have put Lewis out of his misery, rather than letting him suffer on a daily basis for the past 18 years!. I’m more than happy to listen and would be delighted to be proven wrong!
The amount of parents who take their children for granted is ridiculous, they don’t know how lucky they are, it always happens to someone else until it happens to you. Cherish every moment you have with your children as anything can happen at anytime, which can turn your entire world upside down.
Another aspect which I have found and continue to find extremely difficult and upsetting is seeing my wife Lexi hurting so much, and not being able to stop the pain and suffering which she goes through on a daily basis. She is the best mum in the world and Lewis is so lucky to have her, but I know the situation with Lewis hurts her badly and I wish so much that I could take away all the pain she feels.
They say there is a God, but how can there be?. If there was why would he inflict so much pain and suffering on one human being?, and destroy a whole families dreams and aspirations?, I just don’t understand!. If there is a God then surely he would have put Lewis out of his misery, rather than letting him suffer on a daily basis for the past 18 years!. I’m more than happy to listen and would be delighted to be proven wrong!
The amount of parents who take their children for granted is ridiculous, they don’t know how lucky they are, it always happens to someone else until it happens to you. Cherish every moment you have with your children as anything can happen at anytime, which can turn your entire world upside down.
Read More: My Family and the Impact on Them
THE POSITIVES..
I’m very conscious that in my particular journey so far there hasn’t been too many positives for me to take from Lewis’ disability and the huge impact it’s had on our whole family. Every Father’s journey and positives will be different, but I have just tried to be as honest as possible and have told exactly what it’s been like for me.
Although not many, there have been some positives (managed to think of 13!) and these are listed below;
1) The wonderful kind and very generous people we have met through Lewis’ fundraising.
2) Seeing people have fun and having a laugh at the Fundraising events we have arranged. Bringing old friends together at our charity events for the first time in a lot of years (30+years in some cases).
3) The new life long friends we have made whilst fundraising for Lewis.
4) The generosity of everyone who has supported Lewis and us over the past 5 years.
5) Lewis has made me realise that life is too short and so fragile. He has taught me never to take anything for granted and that anything can happen to anyone at anytime.
6) With what has happened to Lewis I certainly cherish the achievements and milestones which Kira and Oscar reach more than I perhaps would have done. As we haven’t had any of them with Lewis I try to savour each and everyone of Kira and Oscar’s achievements and milestones.
7) Running has been a massive positive for me and it has helped me greatly with trying to manage my mental health. Without Lewis I would not have started running. He is my inspiration when I run and have a lot to thank him for getting me into running.
8) The sense of achievement I have felt when we have successfully managed to fundraise for items which Lewis has desperately needed has been a positive, it makes all the hard work worthwhile.
9) Lewis being born into a family that would do absolutely anything for him has been a positive. I hate the thought of some poor special needs children who are left alone to vegetate or even get abused. Although I wouldn’t wish what we go through on my worst enemy, I glad he’s with us so we can provide him with the love and care he deserves.
10) Getting Lewis what he is entitled to has also been a positive for me. When you constantly fight to get him what he deserves and you manage to do it then it does give you a great sense of achievement.
11) Endless Lewis cuddles (when he is in the right mood) over the past 18 years has been a real positive, they are amazing and so peaceful and relaxing.
12) My running achievements, none of which would have been possible without Lewis giving me the inspiration to complete the challenges.
13) Another big positive is when Lewis gives me eye contact and I can see the recognition in his face.
2) Seeing people have fun and having a laugh at the Fundraising events we have arranged. Bringing old friends together at our charity events for the first time in a lot of years (30+years in some cases).
3) The new life long friends we have made whilst fundraising for Lewis.
4) The generosity of everyone who has supported Lewis and us over the past 5 years.
5) Lewis has made me realise that life is too short and so fragile. He has taught me never to take anything for granted and that anything can happen to anyone at anytime.
6) With what has happened to Lewis I certainly cherish the achievements and milestones which Kira and Oscar reach more than I perhaps would have done. As we haven’t had any of them with Lewis I try to savour each and everyone of Kira and Oscar’s achievements and milestones.
7) Running has been a massive positive for me and it has helped me greatly with trying to manage my mental health. Without Lewis I would not have started running. He is my inspiration when I run and have a lot to thank him for getting me into running.
8) The sense of achievement I have felt when we have successfully managed to fundraise for items which Lewis has desperately needed has been a positive, it makes all the hard work worthwhile.
9) Lewis being born into a family that would do absolutely anything for him has been a positive. I hate the thought of some poor special needs children who are left alone to vegetate or even get abused. Although I wouldn’t wish what we go through on my worst enemy, I glad he’s with us so we can provide him with the love and care he deserves.
10) Getting Lewis what he is entitled to has also been a positive for me. When you constantly fight to get him what he deserves and you manage to do it then it does give you a great sense of achievement.
11) Endless Lewis cuddles (when he is in the right mood) over the past 18 years has been a real positive, they are amazing and so peaceful and relaxing.
12) My running achievements, none of which would have been possible without Lewis giving me the inspiration to complete the challenges.
13) Another big positive is when Lewis gives me eye contact and I can see the recognition in his face.
Read More: My Family and the Impact on Them
Impact on My Mental Health
The Journey of a Special Needs Father by Gary Herbert